♥
This is what my weight is like right now.
(With my horse earlier this year)
FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT.
I even think i’d go as far as saying it was a phobia. It’s okay when I’m with people. But when I’m alone I feel as if someone is watching me. I have the same with cameras as well. I cover them all up because I feel like I am being watched. I think this may relate to my BDD, in fact, I’m sure it does.
“Eisoptrophobia or mirror phobia is growing and is further fuelled by the vanity and celebrity obsessed media.”
Hello there. I’m Rachael. 18. English.
I can’t describe how I’ve been feeling. Honestly. I wouldn’t know where to begin. I only know I’ve felt like this for a very long time, and the feeling does not go after years. It only worsens. There is not a time when I can look in the mirror and be happy with myself. Most times, I cry. I hate to go outside, I can’t bare the thought of people looking at me, seeing me. I feel like a beast. I am a beast, no matter what anyone tells me, in fact, it probably makes it worse.
“You look so pretty”, “You’re not fat”, “But you look nice today”. It’s not as simple as that. Oh, how I wish it was. I am not pretty. I am fat. I never look nice. I’m depressed with myself. I’m in pain. On the outside, I’m just a normal happy girl. I don’t even think anyone knows. My cries are silent.
Recently I’ve been pretty bad. I’ve not had anymore than 800 calories a day. I ate cereal all weekend. Made up excuses for not eating. “I had a big lunch”, “It has a funny taste”, “Yes I ate before”.
I starved myself all day today. Woke up at 9am, got ready for uni, and got in late. I have sleeping problems, but that’s another story. I had a bottle of volvic water. Strawberry. Went all day & came home from uni to find out my uncle had died, we were going to have dinner late. I cried quite a lot today; but there is one thing i feel very guilty about. I thought that I could use the death of my uncle for an excuse not to eat. Thats the extent I go to not to eat? That’s when it hit me.
So I was at my aunts house for dinner time. I can cope with hunger when I’m not around food, otherwise I find it difficult. About an hour ago at 10pm I had a carton of Ribina. Then I had dinner. Big mistake. It was mashed potato, mashed swede, carrots, peas, chicken and gravy, I even had some bread. I felt like crying, I was doing so well. I went to the toilet, stuck my hands down my throat, willed myself to get it out. I couldn’t do it, nothing more than a few empty retches. I cried. Why did I let myself eat? I could have easily stayed at home and pretend that I’d snacked on something and said I wasn’t hungry. I ran back home to try and burn off what I’d just eaten.
I can control myself, I know I can.
At the end of this week I’ll weigh myself if possible. I don’t have any scales at the minute. I’ll have to buy some discreetly.
Volvic Strawberry: 50 Cals
Ribena: 8 Cals
Dinner: Probably 999999999999 Cals
This is not the way forward. I need to change, I need to keep control, I’m afraid. I just have to get through this week. Then I can worry about the next week when it comes around.
Why can’t I be like this?
This is how I want to be. She is so beautiful.
Rach,
xoxo
