♥
I hate everything. I hate that fact that I still haven’t told my family or friends about it. Actually no - that’s a lie. I tried once, and all I got was “You’re making it up, Rach”. I still remember how that felt, having my own brother telling me that I’m delusional on top of everything else I’m going through. I don’t even get any help when i try to cry out, it makes me so upset, it’s as if no one cares. The only person who actually knows is my tutor at school, I was so scared, I remember telling myself that I had to tell her and I just burst into tears and she was so nice about it, she really did make my day, actually no she made my week, and I try to remind myself of it all the time, but it’s hard when that’s all I have to go on. And that makes me more angry - that someone who barely knows me will offer me help but the people who are supposed to love me and look out for me, turn me away when I need help, but I haven’t talked to my tutor about it in over a year now. I won’t try and tell anyone else. It’s okay, just brush it off, it’s not like I matter. Aren’t you supposed to care!? People don’t understand unless they feel like this too. Sometimes i’m not surprised I am the way I am when I am surrounded by negative energy, i get so angry and sad all the time, I don’t know what else I can do.. I just hate it. I feel pretty alone today.
I hope I don’t sound bitter, it’s not what I intended.
(Source: byebye-baggage)
i am so fucking filled with anxiety at school.
it’s now happened more than once where people are like heey i saw you at school but you walked right past me! and i’m like, dude, when i barely set foot at that place it’s like a giant tornado is inside of me, i can barely look/act normal just…
I still have this now and im in university.. it’s so hard! :(
(Source: tastes-likedeath)
Everything seems to overwhelm me and gets me down. I’ve had a really good couple of weeks, but for some reason tonight I’ve just been feeling mega upset. I just begin to think of everything of the dark side and I just feel like crying tbh. I hate myself so much, I can’t take feeling like this anymore. I just want to it GO! :’(
I could just cry.
Im gonna watch ‘The Horse Whisperer’. I love that film so much. I remember when I first saw it when I was younger. I love how it makes me feel. ♥
This is what my weight is like right now.
(With my horse earlier this year)
FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT.
Hello there. I’m Rachael. 18. English.
I can’t describe how I’ve been feeling. Honestly. I wouldn’t know where to begin. I only know I’ve felt like this for a very long time, and the feeling does not go after years. It only worsens. There is not a time when I can look in the mirror and be happy with myself. Most times, I cry. I hate to go outside, I can’t bare the thought of people looking at me, seeing me. I feel like a beast. I am a beast, no matter what anyone tells me, in fact, it probably makes it worse.
“You look so pretty”, “You’re not fat”, “But you look nice today”. It’s not as simple as that. Oh, how I wish it was. I am not pretty. I am fat. I never look nice. I’m depressed with myself. I’m in pain. On the outside, I’m just a normal happy girl. I don’t even think anyone knows. My cries are silent.
Recently I’ve been pretty bad. I’ve not had anymore than 800 calories a day. I ate cereal all weekend. Made up excuses for not eating. “I had a big lunch”, “It has a funny taste”, “Yes I ate before”.
I starved myself all day today. Woke up at 9am, got ready for uni, and got in late. I have sleeping problems, but that’s another story. I had a bottle of volvic water. Strawberry. Went all day & came home from uni to find out my uncle had died, we were going to have dinner late. I cried quite a lot today; but there is one thing i feel very guilty about. I thought that I could use the death of my uncle for an excuse not to eat. Thats the extent I go to not to eat? That’s when it hit me.
So I was at my aunts house for dinner time. I can cope with hunger when I’m not around food, otherwise I find it difficult. About an hour ago at 10pm I had a carton of Ribina. Then I had dinner. Big mistake. It was mashed potato, mashed swede, carrots, peas, chicken and gravy, I even had some bread. I felt like crying, I was doing so well. I went to the toilet, stuck my hands down my throat, willed myself to get it out. I couldn’t do it, nothing more than a few empty retches. I cried. Why did I let myself eat? I could have easily stayed at home and pretend that I’d snacked on something and said I wasn’t hungry. I ran back home to try and burn off what I’d just eaten.
I can control myself, I know I can.
At the end of this week I’ll weigh myself if possible. I don’t have any scales at the minute. I’ll have to buy some discreetly.
Volvic Strawberry: 50 Cals
Ribena: 8 Cals
Dinner: Probably 999999999999 Cals
This is not the way forward. I need to change, I need to keep control, I’m afraid. I just have to get through this week. Then I can worry about the next week when it comes around.
Why can’t I be like this?
This is how I want to be. She is so beautiful.
Rach,
xoxo
